Batman vs Superman: Dawn of Jolly Ranchers
by Windrises
Summary: A comedic version of Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice.


Notes: Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice is not owned and created by me. Even though my story makes fun of the film I actually really like the film and recommend watching it.

Because of Superman's fight with General Zod various buildings were getting destroyed including a Wayne Industries building. Bruce started driving to the city to help. Bruce Wayne called Jack O'Dwyer, 1 of the workers at the company. Bruce said "You need to get out of the building."

Jack said "Why?"

Bruce said "Look outside you dimwit."

Jack looked outside and suddenly realized that buildings in the city, including the building he was in, were breaking apart due to the Superman/Zod fight. Jack said "Mr. Wayne I just realized that this building is going to break."

Bruce angrily said "How did you and the other workers not notice that earlier?"

Jack nervously said "Well me and the other workers were so busy working that we didn't see what was happening outside."

Bruce screamed "Get out of the building! The building is about to break apart!"

Jack said "Okay, but I need to go to the bathroom first." Bruce facepalmed.

The building broke. Bruce said "My employees died. This is Superman's fault!"

Meanwhile 1 of Lex's henchmen, Antaoli Knyazev, captured Lois Lane and Jimmy Olsen while in Africa. Jimmy nervously said "Hello. I'm a photographer."

Antaoli said "I hate paparazzi." Antaoli shot Jimmy.

Before Antaoli hurt anybody else Superman showed up. Lois said "How did you know where I was?"

Superman said "I guessed."

Lois said "Really?"

Superman smiled and said "I'm a good guesser."

Bruce went home and threw darts at a Man of Steel film poster. Bruce angrily said "Superman is the villain Alfred."

Alfred knew that Bruce was going through some hard times, but he also knew that Bruce was out of control. Alfred said "But Superman saved several people from General Zod."

Bruce angrily said "But innocent people died. That's because of Zod, but he got destroyed so I'm going to blame Superman for this. It's so messed up when people get destroyed. By the way tonight I'm going to go shoot every criminal I can find."

Alfred sarcastically said "Great plan."

That night Batman went around Gotham City and shot a bunch of criminals. The police officers were not that happy about Batman's chaotic rampages. A police officer said "How about letting me arrest the criminals next time?"

Batman stubbornly said "No. That would be bad."

The police officer said "Are you a hero or a villain?"

Batman said "I'm obviously a super hero." Batman shot another criminal.

The next day Clark was at the Daily Planet. Clark said "I think that we should do a report on Batman. That crazy guy is out control. He shot over 20 criminals last night."

Perry White shook his head and said "No. Report the sports."

Clark said "But what about Batman's dangerous rampages? Isn't that news worthy?"

Perry said "No. Sports is more important."

Clark was confused. He said "How is sports more important?"

Perry said "Mr. Kent the news is about reporting what the people want to read about. They want excitement."

Clark said "Isn't Batman exciting?"

Perry shook his head and said "Batman's boring."

Meanwhile Lex Luthor was working on a plan to get rid of Batman and Superman. Lex Luthor walked up to Senator Barrows and said "Senator I want to use General Zod's ship for my sneaky plans."

Senator Barrows nervously said "I'm not so sure that I should give you permission."

Lex held up a jolly rancher and said "If you help me I will give you one of these."

Senator Barrows said "Whatever."

Lex went on General Zod's ship. He looked inside the unique looking ship. He said "This is amazing."

The ship's computer voice said "Hello. Can I help you?"

Lex smiled and said "Yes you can. I need you to create me a sidekick to take over the world."

The ship's computer said "Okay. Your sidekick will be ready by the climax."

Bruce Wayne and Clark Kent got invited to 1 of Lex Luthor's parties. Bruce said "Superman's a jerk."

Clark walked next to him and said "I think that Batman is the real problem."

Lex walked up to them and was excited. Lex said "Wow. Bruce Wayne and Clark Kent in the same room together. This is epic."

Bruce said "How is this epic?"

Clark nervously said "I'm nothing more than a normal reporter."

Lex whispered "I know your secret identities."

Bruce said "What did you say Lex Luthor?"

Lex nervously said "I said that you look like Ben Affleck."

Bruce proudly said "Thank you. Ben and I are really charming." Clark and Lex rolled their eyes.

Bruce heard about Lex getting some Kryptonite. That night Batman showed up to the delivery of the Kryptonite to steal it. Lex's helpers tried to stop Batman so Batman shot them all. Batman said "That should take care of those fools. Wait. 1 guy left."

The guy said "I'm just the janitor."

Batman said "I trust you." Batman shot the janitor.

Superman showed up. He sarcastically said "You sure seem nice."

Batman stubbornly said "You are the villain and I will punish you."

Superman said "Lex Luthor is a villain. I'm hoping that you know that."

Batman proudly said "Of course I know about Lex Luthor."

Superman said "We should be fighting him together instead of you trying to get rid of me."

Batman stubbornly said "No. You will pay."

Superman said "Yeah right." Superman flew away while Batman angrily stared at him.

The next night Batman was going around Gotham City to beat up random crooks, because he was bored. Suddenly he saw someone walking up to him. Batman said "Who's there?"

Lex Luthor said "Hello Batman. What's up buddy?"

Batman angrily said "You are my rival, not my buddy."

Lex patted Batman on the head and said "I'm not your rival. I'm your friend and friends help each other out don't they?"

Batman was about to punch Lex. Lex nervously said "Calm down there Bruce."

Batman said "How do you know my real name?"

Lex smiled and said "I know all kinds of secrets. For example Superman is a news reporter named Clark Kent."

Batman laughed and said "Superman's a nerd."

Lex said "Exactly. Superman needs to be super defeated. I need you to destroy Superman."

Batman said "No. Well Superman is a jerk."

Lex said "Yes. Superman is too dangerous to live. You know that."

Batman thought about it and said "He is pretty dangerous. However destroying him might be too much." Lex waved around a jolly rancher wrapper. Batman sniffed it and said "Wow. That smells great."

Lex said "If you destroy Superman I will let you have all the jolly ranchers you want for free."

Batman said "Okay. I'm going to go destroy Superman."

Lex handed Batman some more Kryptonite and said "Best of luck Batman."

Batman said "By the way don't you think I'm better than Superman?"

Lex said "Of course. Superman is super lame."

Batman drove to Metropolis. Batman got a phone call from Alfred Pennyworth. Batman said "What do you want?"

Alfred said "I called to check if you are okay."

Batman said "I'm better than okay. I'm amazing."

Alfred said "What are you doing?"

Batman said "I'm going to destroy Superman."

Alfred said "But Superman is a super hero."

Batman angrily said "Be quiet butler." Batman hanged up.

Batman said "I need to do something to get Superman to come to me. I know what to do." Batman threw a bomb at a empty building. Superman saw what happened and found Batman.

Superman said "Thankfully nobody was in that building. However that was a very dangerous and dumb thing to do."

Batman said "Superman I'm going to destroy you."

Superman was confused. He said "What?"

Batman threw Kryptonite at Superman. Batman said "It's time you pay for your crimes Superman."

Superman said "What crimes?"

Batman thought about it and said "Well you killed General Zod."

Superman said "You destroyed several of Lex Luthor's henchmen and other criminals."

Batman said "Well I was in a bad mood."

Superman was suffering, because of the Kryptonite. He said "You don't need to fight me. We are both super heroes. We should be fighting the real villain, Lex Luthor."

Batman angrily said "Lex Luthor isn't that bad. He offered to get me high quality Jolly Ranchers."

Superman said "What? You are willing to destroy me to get some candy?"

Batman said "Yeah."

Superman said "But you are a rich guy Bruce. You could buy all the jolly ranchers in the world."

Batman thought about it and said "I want to save my money."

Superman was about to die. Lois Lane ran up and said "Please don't destroy my boyfriend."

Batman said "I need to. I'm sorry Amy Lane."

Lois said "That's not my name."

Batman said "Okay Lois Adams."

Superman said "I can't believe this is how I'm going to die. Martha would be ashamed of me."

Batman was surprised. He said "Hold on there Clark. Who's Martha?"

Superman said "My mom."

Batman said "My mom's name was Martha too."

Superman said "Um cool coincidence."

Batman threw the Kryptonite away. He said "I respect you for having the same mom's name as my mom. Lets be friends."

Superman was confused and surprised, but he said "Okay. Now can we stop Lex Luthor?"

Batman said "But I want to get free jolly ranchers."

Superman facepalmed and said "I can buy some jolly ranchers after we save the world from Lex Luthor."

Batman said "You better get me the good jolly ranchers, not the cheap kind that they sell at dollar stores. I want the genuine, well made jolly ranchers."

Batman and Superman went to Lex Luthor's hideout to defeat Lex Luthor. Lex was standing on top of the building. He looked around and said "Oh no. Batman and Superman are both here. Help me Joker. Joker? Oh right. He's too busy being in that silly Suicide Squad film."

Batman said "Lex I'm going to defeat you."

Lex said "What about Superman?"

Batman said "I was going to destroy him, but I found out that my mom and his mom have the same first name."

Lex lied by saying "Um my mom's name was Martha too."

Batman said "Oh. Then we can be friends."

Superman said "Batman he's making that up."

Batman stubbornly said "I'm sure that Lex wouldn't lie. He seems like a trustworthy person."

Lex whispered "Batman is a idiot."

Batman was so reluctant to believe Superman that Superman googled Lex's mom's name. Superman said "Lex's mom isn't named Martha. Read this."

Batman read it and said "Lex lied."

Lex nervously said "I know a girl named Martha."

Batman said "Did you know her well?"

Lex smiled and said "Yep."

Superman said "That's it. I'm tired of your nonsense." Superman grabbed Lex and said "I'm taking you to jail."

Lex said "Actually I came prepared." Suddenly Doomsday showed up and started attacking Superman. Lex said "My plot convenience sidekick will destroy Superman. Ha, ha, ha!"

Batman said "I need to help Superman."

Lex smiled and said "You can't defeat Doomsday. He's made out of Krypton materials so the only thing that can destroy him is Kryptonite."

Batman smiled and said "Thanks for telling me that bro." Batman left to go get the Kryptonite.

Superman and Doomsday battled each other. Lex said "After Superman is gone I will use jolly ranchers to distract people while I take over the world. Ha, ha, ha!"

Batman returned to Metropolis to get the Kryptonite. Batman said "Lois where is the kryptonite?"

Lois said "You threw it in 1 of the garbage cans."

Batman said "Okay. Dig in the garbage cans and get it."

Lois said "You should get it. You have gloves on."

Batman said "Okay." Batman threw Lois in a garbage can and said "Get the kryptonite. I need it to stop Lex's sidekick."

Lois found it and said "Here."

Batman said "Thanks cutie."

Batman went back to the top of Lex's building. Batman said "I got the kryptonite."

Superman said "Good. Now the 2 of us can defeat Doomsday."

Wonder Woman showed up out of nowhere and said "I'm ready."

Superman said "Who are you? What are you doing here?"

Wonder Woman said "I'm here to advertise my film."

Batman said "No commercials." Batman pushed Wonder Woman away.

Superman said "Hey. We could of used her help."

Batman stubbornly said "I refuse to have commercials for other superhero films during 1 of my films."

The Flash raced by and said "Hi guys."

Batman angrily said "Go away race boy." The Flash ran away.

Superman said "Anyways we need to defeat Doomsday."

Batman said "Fly over there with the Kryptonite to destroy him."

Superman said "I will die, but I have to do it to save the world." Superman grabbed the Kryptonite and used it to defeat Doomsday. The Kryptonite defeated both Superman and Doomsday.

Lex said "I better go load up on jolly ranchers. Goodbye rich boy." Batman used his grappling hook to trap Lex. Lex said "I will return in the sequels."

Lois showed up and said "Oh no. My boyfriend died."

Batman said "Yeah right. He is going to be in the Justice League film. I'm sorry for the spoiler."

Lois said "That means he will live. We don't need to have him buried."

Batman stubbornly said "He has to be buried."

Lois said "Why?"

Batman said "We have to trick the people that watch this film into thinking that Superman died."

Lois said "Why?"

Batman said "Because plot twists are awesome." Batman started planning a funeral. Batman said "Oh hi audience. Check out the Justice League film."

Aquaman walked by and said "You complained about heroes advertising films, but you just advertised a film."

Batman stubbornly said "Only I am allowed to advertise a film during a different film."

Cyborg walked by and said "I'm also going to be in the Justice League film."

Batman said "Don't advertise that film during this film." Batman pushed Cyborg away and said "Go watch the Justice League film."


End file.
